As I sit here and write this, I am in disbelief you are going to be five when you wake up in the morning. I can vividly remember being in labour with you thinking you were never coming out.
You know baby, we’ve been through a lot in these last five year and yet you don’t even realize because you were this sweet innocent child. I wish I could keep it that way but you are growing up so quickly it’s hard to keep you in our bubble. Your desire and need to explore far exudes our little bubble. But I know, you know I will always be there in our little bubble when you need to get away from reality for a moment.
You love to tell me you’re no long my little baby anymore. But in my eyes you’ll always be my 8lb 5oz little boy who came screaming into the world at 420 am on March 7th. I think that’s how every mother see’s it, sweet boy. As we watch our babies grow up we are struggling with a slew of emotions. I am so proud of the boy you are becoming, but I’m also saddened because your are growing so quickly, I try to bask in these moments where you are still little.
This moment right here is the moment I didn’t know I was waiting for my whole life.
The moment you made me a mother. For as long as I live this is will be the defining moment in my life when everything changed. I may have only been 20 years old and a little naive going into this parent thing babe but in that split second you took your first breath I was a changed person. From that moment on I would always come second, usually I’m the last person I think about but you my love are always the first.
The amount of love I felt in that moment is indescribable, you literally are an extension of my being. I grew you inside me, and are my heart walking around out in this world. How do you put that feeling into words? I simply can’t. I love you more than words, and I know you love me to the farthest Tim Horton’s as you like to say.
Our first couple weeks at home were rocky, I spent the better part of the first month of your life in the hospital. I remember crying myself to sleep in the hospital wondering if we would ever get to bond and have the relationship I so badly wanted for us. You would come and spend a few hours with me each day, I would lay with you on my chest falling more and more in love with you each and every moment. But then you’d have to go home with your grandmother while I got better. It felt like having my heart ripped from my chest every time, but I was getting better for both of us so we could be together.
I got better, we got stronger. It’s been quite the journey in the last five years my love, half the time I have no idea what I am doing you wont know that till you read this when you’re much older but baby, mommy was learning just as much as you were.
You test my patience every single day. And I yours. You say often “jeeze mom don’t you have patience” truth is kiddo, I don’t its something I’m working on. But for every time you challenge me, and test my patience I love you 10x more.
I didn’t even think it was possible to love you more, but each day I do. I find myself staring at you while you sleep. Those big beautiful lashes of yours. Or I find myself looking through all our old photos thinking about all the moments we’ve had.
I cannot wait to see you grow up into the strong, brilliant, kind person you are already shaping to be, but in the mean time I’ll bask in these moments where you still ask me to cuddle you to sleep and pronounce Karate chop, like karate cock because its hilarious.
I love you, mom xox