Don’t say the A word…

Karter, my family and I have been dealing with some stuff for quite some time. Since he was born but most recently since October.

It’s something I have debated on commenting on out loud because there is such a stigma and I never wanted that for Karter.

But then I thought, that if I have a platform (ie my blog) to raise awareness for such an important cause I should.

Karter has autism.

I don’t say that often, it’s still like word vomit saying it out loud. But I think that’s why I need to make a blog post about it, because it really shouldn’t be word vomit to say it.

Karter is aware of it, he thinks it’s cool. If you ask him what it is he just says it makes him hyper and mad when he doesn’t know why. But he will happily tell you he’s getting better, he’s starting to talk to more people and come out of his shell.

Formally he is low on the spectrum, he would have been classified as Aspergers but they know longer use that classification. He is high functioning, he’s verbal. He’s pretty darn awesome.

Very little has actually changed for us, because everything in terms of therapy has such a super long wait list. It’s so unfortunate for these little kids who need the help but have to wait.

The only thing that’s changed really is trying to get a schedule in place. Autistic children thrive off schedules and I’m failing Karter in this aspect. Which is my ultimate fear. I just need to get organized and get him on a schedule.

So why post this,

Because I had a woman at Karters school say to me, “don’t worry dear, he doesn’t look autistic. He doesn’t look like one of those kids.”

The fact that she made a comment didn’t hurt. People will say things like telling me to control my child, or parent him already. That’s all well and good. I was so hurt that she had group together children who have a mental illness or developmental delay and tried to say they look a specific way.

This is why I write this. To educate people.

My sweet Karter looks just like all the other 50 kids in the school yard. He just may be a little quieter, a little shy and socially awkward. But he’s smart, and just want to play with his friends.

He will tell you himself he’s happy and likes his autism, he believes it is a cool trait which makes him, well him.

April is Autism awareness month.

Can you do one thing for Karter? Just raise awareness for acceptance and understanding because it is a complex mental illness and developmental disorder. And just because you know one child with autism doesn’t mean you understand them all. Let’s stop making it a taboo thing to talk about!

Here is a link for an awesome source if you want further information…

http://www.autismspeaks.ca/

 

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An Interview with my five year old…

After seeing all these toddler response posts on Facebook lately I decided to interview Karter post his exact responses then let him interview me and post my responses.

Here’s how it went down…

Well the first time he just kept repeating I don’t want to answer. But I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Kung Fu Panda 2 had just started.

Well played Karter, well played.

The second time I attempted it went like this…

What is your name? Karter

How old are you? 5

Whens your birthday? Five, I mean twenty seventh. It’s March 7

What would you like to be when you grow up? A zoo keeper, Or a boy who makes comic books.

Are you going to get married? Shakes head yes.. no I am not.

How many kids will you have? Seven!

What would their names be? Jenny and Charlie. They are actually from Dory. And then the next will be Speedy, Fast, Seventh, Eighth, Pooey

Who are your friends? Korbin, eliajah, Ryle A, Chinuka, Jack, DeRay, Wayland, Ethan, Devon, Charlie, Graham.

What do you like to do together? Play plant vs zombies one and two.

What is your favourite food? Banana

What do you like best about school? Nothing. Ok, I like home time

Whats your favourite part of the day? Pretends to fall asleep…

What do you love about mom? That she cuddles with me

What do you love about dad? Toys.

What do you love about yourself? That I have so much friends.

What scares you? Ghostest and monsters. Who would be scared of bats, ok I’m scared of them. Unless its batman I’m happy. I’m ascared of the Hulk, if you get him mad, he gets good guys. Are you writing that too? Don’t write that.

What makes you happy? Going to Niagara Falls with Mommy, Maddy, Bromey and Dan.

Favourite place to go? Great Bromey’s or Glen’s house now.

Whos the smartest in your family? Uhh, me!

Who’s the cutest in your family? Me!

Who is the funniest in your family? Me! Hey why is the computer ascared of the human? Because the computer isn’t a human. Breaks out in laughter.Why is a mom ascared of the baby? Because the baby is a vampire.

What is Autism? It makes you hyper, I’m getting a little better at it. I’m talking to more people.

What would your superpower be? My name will be “everyone” and I’d be fast, and strength, and good at fighting, good at ninja moves, and invisible and fly.

Then Karter interviewed me with help from his Aunty…

Mom, what do you call a mom that’s pregnant? I know not me! He responds, Nope, its you.

Mom, did you like Niagara Falls? Yes, I loved it.

Where you scared of the man standing up and sitting down? He was taller than aleisha? Yea I was alittle afraid hes big. (He’s referring to the World’s Tallest Man in Niagara Falls)

Why did the 10 run upstairs? I don’t know. Because he was afraid of the man who stands up.

What did you think when you found out you were pregnant with Karter? I was anxious and scared. –you thought I was a girl mom. (I did think I was pregnant with a girl)

Whats your favorite food? Pizza and burgers

What did you wanna name Karter? Kaidyn, or Mason, Levi, Matteo – um I like the name speedy for me.

Um mom what do you wanna be when you grow up? When I finally grow up I wanna be a nurse and teach some nursing classes.

What is the craziest thing you ate when I was in your belly? Mars bars dipped in gravy, and instant mash potatoes and smarties.

What do you love about your mom? I’m guessing, lets see… she’s family oriented and selfless.

Mom, what did you love about my dad? Let me guess, that he used to live with you. Your dad was very funny and very nice.

What do you like about batman? I love that you love batman and want to be a superhero because you’re my superhero.

This took me all night to finally get it complete, Karter is stubborn to say the least. And he started telling jokes half way through. But we did it and he had fun!

On the Eve of Your 5th Birthday…

As I sit here and write this, I am in disbelief you are going to be five when you wake up in the morning. I can vividly remember being in labour with you thinking you were never coming out.

You know baby, we’ve been through a lot in these last five year and yet you don’t even realize because you were this sweet innocent child. I wish I could keep it that way but you are growing up so quickly it’s hard to keep you in our bubble. Your desire and need to explore far exudes our little bubble. But I know, you know I will always be there in our little bubble when you need to get away from reality for a moment.

You love to tell me you’re no long my little baby anymore. But in my eyes you’ll always be my 8lb 5oz little boy who came screaming into the world at 420 am on March 7th. I think that’s how every mother see’s it, sweet boy. As we watch our babies grow up we are struggling with a slew of emotions. I am so proud of the boy you are becoming, but I’m also saddened because your are growing so quickly, I try to bask in these moments where you are still little.

This moment right here is the moment I didn’t know I was waiting for my whole life.

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The moment you made me a mother. For as long as I live this is will be the defining moment in my life when everything changed. I may have only been 20 years old and a little naive going into this parent thing babe but in that split second you took your first breath I was a changed person. From that moment on I would always come second, usually I’m the last person I think about but you my love are always the first.

The amount of love I felt in that moment is indescribable, you literally are an extension of my being. I grew you inside me, and are my heart walking around out in this world. How do you put that feeling into words? I simply can’t. I love you more than words, and I know you love me to the farthest Tim Horton’s as you like to say.

Our first couple weeks at home were rocky, I spent the better part of the first month of your life in the hospital. I remember crying myself to sleep in the hospital wondering if we would ever get to bond and have the relationship I so badly wanted for us. You would come and spend a few hours with me each day, I would lay with you on my chest falling more and more in love with you each and every moment. But then you’d have to go home with your grandmother while I got better. It felt like having my heart ripped from my chest every time, but I was getting better for both of us so we could be together.

I got better, we got stronger. It’s been quite the journey in the last five years my love, half the time I have no idea what I am doing you wont know that till you read this when you’re much older but baby, mommy was learning just as much as you were.

You test my patience every single day. And I yours. You say often “jeeze mom don’t you have patience” truth is kiddo, I don’t its something I’m working on. But for every time you challenge me, and test my patience I love you 10x more.

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I didn’t even think it was possible to love you more, but each day I do. I find myself staring at you while you sleep. Those big beautiful lashes of yours. Or I find myself looking through all our old photos thinking about all the moments we’ve had.

I cannot wait to see you grow up into the strong, brilliant, kind person you are already shaping to be, but in the mean time I’ll bask in these moments where you still ask me to cuddle you to sleep and pronounce Karate chop, like karate cock because its hilarious.

I love you, mom xox

Iamyourmother

 

 

 

Shit my kid says part 5

My favorite blog post is always these ones, I may be biased but Karter is the funniest child haha

  1. “Mom don’t you have patience”- this is one of those things you say and then it comes back to bite you in the butt. I say this to Karter often as when he asks for something it is then and there. So now when he isn’t listening, I nag he asks me if I have patience.
  2. “Omg I’m gonna die”- This he may or may not get from me either. The dramatics. He asks for chocolate milk and I say ok one minute. “Mom if I don’t get chocolate milk right now I’m gonna die!!”
  3. Watching Harry Potter with Karter I get very excited. I said oh Karter you’ll like this one, there’s a wolf. “mom don’t spoil the movie” Wow ok you teenager you.
  4. POOP. Everything, everywhere is poop. Poop is so funny.
  5. Karter know’s big words. He’s listens to adults all the time the other day while watching snoopy he says “hahah he’s so stubborn” he comes out with the craziest words sometimes for a four year old.
  6. “Raise your hand if..” he comes up with the silliest ones, raise your hand if you just pooped, raise your hand if your four, raise your hand if you got money from your cousin, he will play this game all darn day!
  7. I’m not really sure why, but I’d like to think its because were wizards. But Karter refers to people as humans. “Mom today at school all the humans… Ok mom which human are you?” He uses humans instead of people, clearly because were wizards LOL
  8. “Mom I want pepperoni pizza but with out the pepperoni” So you want cheese… “No pepperoni without the pepperoni”, sometimes he forgets the word is pepperoni and calls it macaroni
  9. In December, if anyone didn’t do as Karter wanted “that’s it you’re on the naughty list” he would say.
  10. Since starting school, his favorite part of school is Oh Canada. Yea the song. He sings it all day long.
  11. Karter is picking up lots of things at school, like the middle finger. We affectionately call the “bad finger” he will walk around with it out but not raised all damn day. Thanks other kids at school LOL
  12. “I’m a genius, mom I’m a genius” – perhaps I boast his ego a little too much but he impresses me everyday. So he will walk around saying I’m a genius haha

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I’m gonna be selfish..

So it has been a whopping four months since I have posted. These four months have been some of the hardest I’ve been put through, both mentally and physically with school and motherhood amid everything else. But I am on the other side of it now, and I’m looking forward to an awesome 2017.

So I have decided in 2017, that I will focus on me.

Yep, I have a child but I’m gonna focus on myself.

Of course Karter comes first, but the end of 2016 was so hard, I need to put myself first too in order to be the mom he deserves.

I’m sure people can agree with me, that being a parent is so fucking hard. Yea I had to swear, that’s how serious I am.

Some of the moments are so euphoric, and I don’t think another moment could make me happier, but then something else happens and so on. I am afraid I won’t remember them and I need to photograph them, but I really need to put my phone down and live in the moment instead of trying to photograph it.

Being a mom was definitely my destiny, however I’m still human and need to work on myself.

I get so wrapped up in my anxieties, I need to find a way to cope and live.

I have decided to set goals for myself that are different than my typical goals.

Here are a few…

  • Love myself for who I am
  • start meditating (I did it a few times, and LOVED it)
  • be comfortable with my body again
  • start knitting (I’m 25, going on 70)
  • create more memories with Karter that aren’t all photographed
  • make time for myself despite the challenges of life

This isn’t necessarily a Karter post or a parenting post, but it is a post to tell parents to take time for themselves.

This semester I had a placement where my preceptor told me how important it is to make time for yourself because the burnout is real. Her method is simple, after a hard day when “her well is dry” as she put it, she goes to Tim Horton’s orders a donut and a coffee and goes walking along the beach. It centers her.

Burnout is real, take care of yourself people.

Another way, I like to relax. Cuddling.

 

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On Your First Day of School Karter…

Well first let me say, I wasn’t super active on my blog throughout the summer. I worked, completed a summer course and spent time with my little. It was a very busy, fast summer (lightening speed fast). I’m finding it hard to believe Labor Day is coming to an end as I type this up. But it is. Now on to the reason for this post…

My baby, is starting Junior Kindergarten tomorrow morning.

How???!?!

He was just born like yesterday!

But the reality is he is four and a half, that photo is four and a half years old.

For the most part he is ready for school, his bag is packed, he’s picked out a new outfit, he even practiced opening and eating his snacks. The not so ready is his anxiety and uncertainty of the whole situation.

But he’s a good kid (I may be biased) and after some time will flourish at school.

He loves the crap out of facts and knowledge. He loves nothing more than schooling me with knowledge.

Now, Karter one day I hope you sit down and read these blog posts and appreciate them. If not, I know I will read them until I’m old and grey and don’t know how to work the newest technology. So I write this to you on the eve of your first day of school…

My Dear Sweet Little Boy,

This is the eve of your first day of junior kindergarten, I have so many emotions going on right now. I am equally, excited, happy, joyful, nervous, and sad. Yes sad, because you are growing up so quickly I just want to slow down time a little bit and hug you a little longer. But I also know you will love school so much, and learn tons. You will come running to me to tell me everything you’ve learned that day!

I am grateful for that hour in the day where you say “ok mom I’m ready to go cuddle” I will cuddle until you are too cool to cuddle your mom anymore. Here we are cuddling just yesterday.

Tonight I cuddled you to sleep, before you embark on this HUGE day. I tried not to make it a huge deal for you, and I promise I will try not to cry until you’re in the classroom with your teacher (I’ll tell you a secret, I’m trying not to get emotional just typing this up). This is such a big day for both of us, mommy has to trust someone else with you, and trust that I have taught you everything you need to know thus far. And you, you have to go into this unfamiliar place and make friends, I know it wont be the easiest thing but you will be so great baby!

As for trusting your teacher, I absolutely do. Mommy actually had your teacher as her very own teacher in 7th grade, you will be walking the very same halls mommy nervously walked, and ended up making some great friends and memories. When you walk down the hall to the water fountain you will see mommy’s photo up on the wall from 10 years ago, hopefully that is comforting. And if it isn’t you have that photo of mommy you stuck in your backpack to look at when your day isn’t going as planned.

So my sweet boy, you are going to do so many great things in this world. And this first day of kindergarten is only just the beginning. I love you so much, and Mommy will be waiting for you before the bell even rings, I promise to listen all about your day, or just lay and cuddle because I promise no matter how much you’re missing me I am missing you 100 time more and will be thinking about you all day!

And baby don’t forget,

You are my sunshine xo Mommy

 

 

I’m Calling Bullshit…

If you google “parenting” you will be flooding with websites with a million ways to be a good parent.

I’m calling bullshit.

I think there is maybe one way to be a “good parent” (which I also think is subjective) which would be just be present in your child’s life.

Otherwise all these 1000 ways to be a good parent, is basically irrelevant.

There is literally a article titled “50 easy ways to be a fantastic parent” are you shitting me??

For one, how is anything parent related easy. The only thing that came easy for me was loving Karter. And two, how can you dictate being a fantastic parent, isn’t that somewhat subjective???

One of their suggestions to be a fantastic parent is to “encourage daddy time” now I’m a single mom so I don’t totally understand this, as Daddy isn’t readily available for Karter. But is this a thing that needs to be said and done? Shouldn’t daddy time or mommy time be a given? I mean you chose to have this child and raise it, so shouldn’t you just be there??? 

Another helpful tip to be a fantastic parent… “Play with your child” seriously??? Is this not common knowledge? Aka be there, be present, in the moment. 

Another one… “Talk about what it means to be a good person” ok so don’t raise an asshole. Got it. 

“Vaccinate your children” I vaccinate for my own reasons, but subliminal or rather blatant messages to make parents vaccinate. Cool. 

“Encourage your kids to brush their teeth” while your at it, encourage them to bath and wipe their bum too, that would make you a real fantastic parent. 

This article even has to say, “love your kids equally, but treat them uniquely” so parents, love them all the same but treat them as their own humans, not clones. 

Without trying to give my own tips or advice I leave you with this…

My point was, you will hear a billion reasons and way to be a good parent; but just be there in the moments with your children. Everything else is second nature, you know your child has to brush their teeth and so on. We’re all great parents despite the varying parenting choices, one isn’t better than the other it’s all subjective. 

One of the in the moments caught on camera of Karter and I…